If Only...

One of the most common phrases I hear from clients and friends alike is “If only I had chosen ‘blank’ decision I wouldn’t be dealing with this”. Or some other version of that statement. I even use it from time to time. But then I must stop myself and realize that even with that alternate decision I do not know what the outcome would be. Maybe things would be different, maybe not. What is this all about? Well, blame, control, and regret are what it is about.

First let’s look at blame. We live in a society that relishes being able to place blame on someone, often we end up placing that blame on ourselves. “If I had only chosen that other job, I would be happier at work right now”. Or “If I hadn’t of come out to my family, I wouldn’t be in this mess right now”. Or “If I hadn’t started transitioning things would be better”. The thing is…. we don’t KNOW that things would be better, or different if we had of made that other choice. We are guessing and assuming. Maybe you would be happier in a different job, but let’s look deeper, what makes you unhappy where you are? Is it your coworkers, the work hours, the commute, the type of work? By defaulting to the idea of “I made the wrong decision” it allows us to take the blame, but it also glosses over the opportunity to learn more about what we need in a job. It stops us from thinking critically. By focusing on taking a deeper look at situations we can begin to place blame where it belongs, rather than on our own shoulders. Sure, there probably are different choices we could have made, or mistakes that could be avoided, but not everything is on us. Eventually maybe we can let go of blame all together, accept what is, and commit to working on things we can control.

Next on the table is the idea of control. Often people believe that they have more control than they do. It is true that we have choices, but that doesn’t really mean we have control. I can do everything in my power to be as healthy as possible, but I do not control my genetics and could still end up with heart disease just like a parent. I can control if I come out, or how I say things, but I have zero control over how people will receive that information, and even less control over how they treat me because of that revelation. The way that this plays into our belief of “if I had just chosen a different option things would be better” is assuming that our decision controls all outside factors. Let’s go back to the work scenario. Maybe choosing a different job option would provide for a better work schedule, but we do not know how we would get along with coworkers or other elements at that job. It is possible that a better way of framing this thought is that “If I had of chosen a different job, the situation might be better, but I also am not sure of that.

Lastly, let’s look at regret and its role here. Sometimes that regret can play into the blame game and provides fuel for the fire we turn on ourselves. More than likely the thing we are most regretting is not achieving the idea that we had in mind. Very rarely do our ideas, or imaginings align with what happens. This is where regret sneaks into play and allows us to step outside of that reality and beat ourselves up for a past imaginary outcome.

We cannot tell the future, and therefore we cannot tell how the present would be if we had made a different choice in the past. It would be awesome if we could, however that is not possible. We must accept the situations we are in and then look for the ways that we can affect change. That could be changing our environment, or working toward a particular goal, but believing that that different choice would lead to a better outcome is simply wishful thinking.

You’ve got this!